Waiting for the one.

Waiting for the one.

By Ollie.

So, I’m talking to a new guy at the minute. And I hate to admit it, but I feel more excited about life by having someone to talk to romantically. It’s very early stages, and I feel a bit like a dog sniffing another dog at the park as I try to figure him out. But I can’t say that it has been the easiest journey. As an overthinker, I must routinely talk myself off the ledge when it comes to new relationships and processing my often-intense emotions.

In a world governed by non-committal labels, dating apps and socially inept people. It can be difficult to be a romantic who’s after the real deal. Dating feels like this board game that I never bothered to learn the rules for and am pretending to know which piece goes where and how many paces to take forward. I’m not suave, not cool and can’t flirt to save my life. But what I am is an honest and caring person deserving of love.

As a gay man, I think that this idea of non-monogamy is only exacerbated. As you interact with a group of people who weren’t given access to the same rights as their straight counterparts until decades later. Which in my humble opinion, has resulted in a skewed perception of sexuality and an indifference to traditional relationship types. Now, it’s not that I think I’m better than these people, and part of me can even make out where they’re coming from. But is it too much to ask for a partner who is content with a life built for 2.

I think for these reasons, I tend to overthink the relationships I find myself in, often to my own detriment. But the meaning behind them is good. I don’t want to over-extend myself whilst the other person remains unphased. I don’t want to give something my all and not get back the same energy. But as a type-A person, this is a tricky catch-22. The eagerness inside me, fuelled by waiting this long to meet the right person, urges me to ask about their day, entertain and compliment them. Try my best to be engaging, whilst flirtatious and active. Meanwhile, I’m lucky if I get scraps of attention back.

Recently, I found out that I have an anxious attachment style, probably born out of rejection in the past and insecurity surrounding my identity. In relationships, I feel the need to lock in dates and beg for their attention to feel wanted. Apparently, we are most likely to form relationships with avoidant attachment people who do not put in as much energy, and it becomes this toxic symbiotic coexistence.

 In the past, I can remember when I was talking to this one guy. I was 17 and he was 19. I worshipped him. Would spend all my time trying to impress him and compliment him, remember facts he’d told me and attempt to emulate his style. But no matter how palatable I became, he still didn’t want me. I felt insane. All that effort to force myself into his muse and he still didn’t want me. It made me feel like I’d wasted time and embarrassed myself.

People tell me that less is more. And that it’s better to convey an air of mystery around yourself instead of being an open book. A conclusion I find myself coming to time and time again. I wish I had more confidence in myself. I know that I’m smart, cute, interesting and funny. I feel so lucky to have friends and family that see the worth I can’t in myself. but when it comes to romance, I can’t help but feel jinxed.

Saying that, I know that I’m not perfect. I have been known to ghost, block and run away from my feelings when they scare me. But I truly believe at my core that I just want a normal, healthy relationship with someone. I can see him in the distance, like an outline of the mountains off the shore. But the closer I get, the further away they seem. If you’re out there, I do hope you show yourself to me soon, I’m ready when you are.

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