Finding Myself (By Accident)

Finding Myself (By Accident)

By Ollie

In a time of existential dread and uncertainty, I want to share my perspective as a recent grad still figuring out where life’s taking me. I’m Ollie, 23, from the north of England.

I graduated after four long years studying languages and international studies. That wasn’t the plan, though. For most of school, I’d imagined becoming a doctor — or at least studying something in science. But then COVID happened, my mental health took a hit, and the future felt like a big question mark.

By the time I left college, I was still clueless about what I wanted to do. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to go to uni and, hopefully, “find myself” along the way. So, I went through clearing and picked a course at a local university because it was the one subject I’d actually done well in.

I loved my time at university. I made friends who are still an important part of my life, went to unforgettable parties, and — in many ways — I think I did find myself. Not by becoming someone new, but by realising that, underneath all the different “eras” and the pressure to fit in, the real me had been there all along.

The real me wasn’t the black hair dye, the edgy clothes, or the exaggerated backstory. It was the same kid from a small town with big dreams, who loves nothing more than drawing, listening to music, and spending time with his dog. Uni helped me reconnect with that inner child and feel unafraid to be authentically myself.

Before I knew it, graduation had arrived. I felt complete — it was a big summer. I moved back home, passed my driving test, and faced a season of firsts. And then, the panic set in.

My plans shifted almost overnight. I’d spent the whole year expecting to move abroad to teach English, but that turned into a plan for teacher training… which eventually became just staying at the same café job I’d worked in part-time during uni. Only now, it wasn’t part-time — it was my whole life.

I felt stuck. My friends were starting grad schemes, travelling, doing master’s degrees, and “finding themselves,” while I was stuck in my old uni job, miserable and unsure of what to do next.

By Christmas, I couldn’t take it anymore. I did something completely out of character — I quit. No back-up plan, no safety net, just instinct. And thank God I had the nerve, because that job was draining the life out of me. I’d accepted a version of my life that I didn’t want.

At first, it felt liberating. I had pre-booked trips to enjoy, long lie-ins, late nights, and endless free time. But the novelty wore off. The only thing worse than a crappy job was having no job at all. I started to see myself as a burden, a waste of a degree — a loser. Those old negative thoughts came rushing back, and my self-worth hit an all-time low.

Then, by pure luck, an office job I’d applied for on a whim got back to me. After a nerve-racking interview, I got the job! Finally — no more gruelling shifts with no time to eat or even have a drink of water. At last: a comfy desk, regular hours, and the feeling that the universe had answered my call.

For the first few weeks, it was great. I made new friends, wore nice work outfits, and enjoyed earning more money. But as you can probably guess from the fact I only lasted three months, things went downhill fast. I discovered a new kind of exhaustion: mental. An abusive manager, a toxic work environment — my supposed salvation turned to dust.

So, just like before, I took a deep breath and got the hell out. Ah, the familiar scent of unemployment. But this time, I promised myself it would be different. I was young, adventurous, independent. Wait — I never did go travelling like I’d planned. I had the money, so why not? I set dates, made plans… and then, at the last minute, I changed my mind.

Was I just trying to run away from my problems? Would the same uncertainty still be waiting for me when I got back? The negative thoughts crept in again. My excitement faded, and I was back at square one. Almost a year after graduation, two jobs down, and still clueless.

So, I did what any rational person would do: packed a bag and headed to another city to spend a few days with my sister and take my mind off things — lol. I had grand plans to go sightseeing… but I managed to pick the one day when every museum and gallery was closed. Nice one, Ollie. So, instead, I hid out in the library and kept browsing job ads.

Then I saw it: a role in the north of England, linked to my degree, with a decent salary. You’re joking. I fired off my CV faster than you can say “desperation” and waited.

Cut to two months later: I’m here, happily working with great coworkers, and feeling miles better about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments of uncertainty, but being a year out of uni, in a job I can actually see myself in, with money saved and a reason to get out of bed every morning — that’s not something I take for granted.

The purpose of this blog is to remind myself (and anyone reading) that life works in unexpected ways. No matter how organised or determined you are, things happen — sometimes by chance, sometimes for a reason — and you just have to go along for the ride. So next time you find yourself shouting “Why not me?!” at the universe, consider this: do I even want it, and is it even right for me?

Because my life now is radically different from the one I imagined for myself, but I can honestly say that despite all the curveballs, I’m happy. And I’m looking forward to seeing what else life throws at me. Bring me your worst.