A sunny disposition.

A sunny disposition.

By Ollie.

So, it’s a new week and today I have been working from home. In other words, it’s a gradual ease back into the work week, in which I don’t have to leave the comfort of my own home and sit on a crowded tram for 25 minutes to and from the office. We have just had bank holiday, and I have been in between getting a new tattoo, pub crawling in Liverpool, ice skating and falling on my ass and catching up on my shows at home. For a change, the weather is glorious and the North of England has had sun shining for the past 2 days, which undoubtedly has boosted my mood.

This afternoon, I went for one of my walks on my lunch break by the canal, as is customary and also necessary when you spend your day glaring at a computer screen for 8 hours. I like to use these walks outside as a good excuse to reflect on the past week, the day at hand and the future in order to get a good sense of gauging where I’m at emotionally and if anything, residual is playing on my mind. Normally this could be an area of my life which I’d like to improve on, such as dating or socialising more. Or it could just be a nice reminder of an embarrassing moment from a decade ago which still makes its way into my psyche in the form of an emotionally triggering dream at 3am.

However, apart from the usual, ‘I should make more of an effort to be healthier and continue my streak of being good’, nothing really came to mind. I was even a little stunned that I had no pressing issues or complexes to reevaluate for the ninetieth time, this week. I couldn’t believe how different my adult life felt to that of mine as a teenager. Sure, my pay is crap, there are odd jobs around the house which could use doing and I am still single with a handful of close friends. But for the first time in what felt like ages, I had no hang ups or major obstacles to confront. I was aware of my plans for the afternoon, the evening, even the weekend. I knew what I had in my fridge ready for tea and when I was going on holiday in 2 weeks. Everything was… fine.

That’s when I realised that, despite my type-A anxious and neurotic genes, I was still able to admit that everything was ok, and I had nothing to worry about. No impending exam that I had to pass for risk of ruining my entire future. No presentation at work that had my job on the line, not even a month’s rent that I couldn’t cover. All was well in my little life. Now, I recognise that to the average, sane person this sounds obvious. Sure, we all have workdays to get to, gym slots to book and commitments with friends. But as someone who has had chronic anxiety for the past decade of their life and has stressed about every life change from who to sit next to in high school to when they would die and in what horrible way. It was a first, to say the least.

I remember at my last job, which I hated. When I was living at my parents’ house, which I also hated, we had to fill out a workplace emotional support questionnaire about our general happiness and lifestyle choices. I remember marking down that the most important thing to me was to have a good work-life balance, where I was able to focus on my interests, friends and hobbies as much as my tasks in the office. Which felt ludicrous in a sales job at a crappy company who didn’t care if I lived or breathed. But this was exactly the case I found myself in this morning. A sense of overwhelming safety and security in how things are and how they will be. An understanding of newfound peace despite the chaos, and shelter in the storm.

The truth is, I love my little house in the rough area. I love being able to come home after work and dive straight into my swimming, video games and movies with no problem. I love going into town at the weekends and enriching myself and my passions. It makes me feel like a sim who has his green lifestyle meters capped at 10. I love how I can roll into bed at whatever time, then roll out and head to a job which I like with people who like me. It makes me feel complete. Sure, I have my worries and doubts, but comparably, they are very small and quiet in the back of the roller coaster which is my brain. And I am able to switch off from the paranoia without having to smoke my lungs black or drink myself ill.

So, I look forward to a sunny, peaceful summer, as I begin to see its formation in spring. I can’t wait to go on holiday, baste in the sun and quite frankly, just get hotter! With the added bonus of returning to work and a home which feels safe.

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