Ollie's Blog

Learning to Love Myself First. By Ollie I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately — what it means to me, the love I already possess, and the kind I’m searching for. Everyone has their own opinion, and I find it fascinating to talk about. If you listen to music, read books, or look at paintings, love is everywhere. It’s a kind of cosmic force connecting us all. Wars have been fought over it, lives lost and created because of it. Love is everywhere. I think there’s a lot of pressure on young people to find love. As you get older, it feels like time is running out, like you’re slipping past your prime. You hear people say, “I wish I’d appreciated how I looked when I was younger” or “If I could only relive my 20s for a day.” Well, as someone in my 20s just getting on with life rather than “living it up,” you can see why that stresses me out. Shows like Sex and the City and Girls only amplify the pressure — portraying hot, young single people who seem to live in a bubble of constan...

Choosing Confidence By Ollie As a child, I was shy and introverted, often escaping into imaginary worlds full of magic and monsters. Back then, I was free to be myself. But in high school, everything changed. Identity felt like a prison—everyone expected to fit the same mould. To avoid bullying, I became a “secret agent,” projecting an image of normality while hiding my true self. For years, my self-worth depended on blending in—decent grades, short hair, an average life. It was easier to copy others than to risk standing out. But deep inside, I felt like something was missing. By my teens, depression and anxiety had taken over. I lost friends, my grades collapsed, and I hit rock bottom. Then Covid struck. Strangely, lockdown became the catalyst for change. With no school, no friends, and no distractions, I had to face myself. Who was I, really? What kind of life did I want? For the first time, I chose authenticity over validation—and slowly, confidence began to grow. That growth co...

The Fig Tree Dilemma By Ollie I’m in my 20s, I work in the city, and I live at home. After graduating from uni last year, with my plans shaken up, I felt clueless. You’re supposed to feel empowered when you finish a degree. Like all those years had amounted to something and you could step into the real world guns blazing. But no one warns you about the other side—the rejections, the constant comparisons to friends, the quiet uncertainty about whether you’re enough. Now I’ve found a job I like, which gives me purpose and structure. But sometimes I still wonder if I’m missing that “something.” I’ve searched for it in friends, relationships, and a social life. They come and go, like glimpses into alternate lives I could’ve had, but never last. The fig tree poem by Sylvia Plath often comes to mind. Each branch is a different possibility—a writer, an artist, a husband. The longer you wait, the more figs fall out of reach. Yet at the same time, being this age feels like having endless time. ...

Far from Home, Closer to Myself By Ollie When it came time for my year abroad, I went to Spain. As part of studying a language degree, it’s compulsory to spend an academic term in the country of origin, so I’d known it was coming for quite a while. In fact, it was partly the reason I chose Spanish at university in the first place. I was looking forward to that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to immerse myself in a foreign culture and grow as a person. In the build-up, though, I was terrified. Where would I live? Who would I meet? Questions plagued my mind before I had even set foot on the plane. I made myself sick overthinking it. My brain has a habit of preparing for every possible worst-case scenario—and, of course, none of them ever happen. When the day finally came, I was off: goodbye mum and dad, goodbye friends, goodbye home. Hello new life. I vividly remember that first night in my flat, lying awake and quietly taking in my new surroundings. The warmth of the air, the jum...

Belonging Again. By Ollie I’m writing this on the train home from London after spending the weekend celebrating a friend’s birthday. Beforehand, I’d been caught up in stress — booking trains, sorting accommodation, worrying about what could go wrong. But once I finally let go of the anxiety, I had a wonderful time. Friendship has always been complicated for me. As a child I was painfully shy — too nervous to speak, too insecure to put myself forward. That fear of rejection never really leaves; even as adults, when we convince ourselves we’ve “grown into” confidence, social situations can bring those childhood feelings rushing back. At work, at dinner parties, even in casual interactions, we can feel like kids on the playground again. When I got to high school and college, I experienced the magic of being part of a big friendship group for the first time. Group chats, parties, endless in-jokes — it felt affirming to belong. But as I grew more into my own interests, I found myself drif...

The Journey Is the Meaning By Ollie Today was my nan’s funeral. It was a day I’d been expecting for a while. Her passing wasn’t sudden—she’d been ill for quite some time, and we knew it was coming. I even had the chance to say goodbye. Despite her health struggles, she lived into her 80s. I’d already experienced loss before, when my aunt died, but this day still felt heavy in its own way. The service was, in truth, lovely. The sun was shining, and my family were in good spirits. We shared laughs, told stories, and reconnected. For a funeral, it went as well as it could. Yet something about sitting inches from her coffin—close enough to touch—has stayed with me. My nan and I weren’t especially close. There was no bad blood, just distance. I have a large family, and some of her other grandchildren lived nearer. Even so, I’m certain we loved each other in our own way. That distance made it easier for me to process her death and focus on supporting my family. Still, watching that small cof...

Fuelled by Love by Ollie I have been transfixed by the idea of falling in love for as long as I can remember. To rely on someone, to exist in parallels and share your life with someone. Who wouldn’t crave that level of intimacy in connection. When I was younger, I viewed my parents relationship as cannon. As a model to follow. To be partners with someone, best friends. I couldn’t wait to find someone who might complete me and improve me. I had my own struggles with sexuality, but when I finally accepted myself, I realised I could still look for that, that gender is irrespective of a special connection. So I began my search. At first I would just look around me for someone who could fit that mould. I always had an idea of a silhouette of who they are, just not a face. Which allowed them to take many forms. I would try my best to be palatable and attractive. Ask them questions, try to be funny, edit myself to be whoever they wanted. And it would work more often than not. To be able t...

Finding Myself (By Accident) By Ollie In a time of existential dread and uncertainty, I want to share my perspective as a recent grad still figuring out where life’s taking me. I’m Ollie, 23, from the north of England. I graduated after four long years studying languages and international studies. That wasn’t the plan, though. For most of school, I’d imagined becoming a doctor — or at least studying something in science. But then COVID happened, my mental health took a hit, and the future felt like a big question mark. By the time I left college, I was still clueless about what I wanted to do. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to go to uni and, hopefully, “find myself” along the way. So, I went through clearing and picked a course at a local university because it was the one subject I’d actually done well in. I loved my time at university. I made friends who are still an important part of my life, went to unforgettable parties, and — in many ways — I think I did find my...